6.24.15

well she is home..............
i dont really even know how to feel about that. new meds. Latuda. lets see how this works.
she is still really touchy emotionally about anything you bring up. Thinks I am partying in her apartment IDK why she would think i would want to be in there??
I am tired. I think I am depressed myself now.
I am drained.
I am lost in my own thoughts of this bullshit life.
I do not know what I believe in anymore.  I see so many selfish people that do not care about one another. People who rather talk shit about each other than show some love and help each other and be honest with one another than anything else.
I mean I can not even tell a friend how I feel without them feeling all weird and not even take it and sit on it. think about it. I do i think about shit people say & see if its relativity and want to improve or not. NOT take if for realness.
I look to see if someone really cares. I wish my mother looked to see if someone really cared.
I wonder if there were ever people that really cared and she just tossed them to the side like she does  now.
I am annoyed by the mental health system and how the people who work in them say they care so much but prove time and time again they do not. My mothers MHPI workers never contacted anyone the entire time so far.
I am sick of hearing I AM. it reminds me of the book SAM I AM. LOL
But really I just want to live life and have a family that is somewhat just normal. Living day to day and not have these constant uproars of mental heath issues.

6/12/15

mom is getting transferred today.
thank god!
its not that i have anything against the team at whidden its just they can not handle what we need. the team is over whelmed there isnt enough money and time to take care of all these situations and the team in Natick has already set  up with all the needs she needs. They have a case file they have records. THEY see what she needs. They cared enough to want to help.
Thats what works. at this point the can do whatever they need to with her. I know she will be in safe caring hands. I wont have to worry about medicine dosages and medical care.
I wont have to worry at all.
Its sad to see this women who was so innocent in her youth be fooled her entire life. she never had or found the tools to grow out of her mess.
brokenness.............
i know that brokenness i tasted it for a while and ran out of it as fast as possible. Not something I would ever want to taste again. I would say something I fear living in and would fear seeing my child live in. How can you just let life rule you? Rule your own life control it don't like people walk all over you and let all your emotions run your life. you can not blame the world for everything that happens to you its not the worlds fault your life is f*cked up its yours FIX it.
I found God. Ya you would say wait a min did you just say F*cked . Ya I have a potty mouth. I dont drink smoke party or whatever else I swear alot i  try.
but ya i found God and Jesus and the holy spirit and church. That works for me. That is my peace my safe place.
Going back to my mom
I just hope this transfer today goes smooth with no issues or Ill just flip not really but just another downside flip on this roller coaster of life.

6/10/2015

I am tired. Its been months 4/13/15 my mom was discharged from Metro west. They did a miracle of medicine.
I had a women I never met that i always wanted to know. It was a great three weeks and then the medicine stopped working .She became someone I use to know again. That person I ran from and didn't want anything to do with.
I have made so many phone calls to doctors nurses social workers, department of mental health, psychiatrists, secretary, Police stations, I could go on.
time consuming stressful repetitive conversations .

yesterday and today were almost a break point for me.
this is the third hospitalization since my mother has left Natick at Whidden.
A wonderful women at Natick is helping us get my mom a bed to get the support she needs back at Natick and Whidden dropped the ball.

They medicated my mother so much that she was in a wheelchair up until this afternoon. They didnt ask or call me. They do what they want or feel is right when you are sick. Your care is in doctors hands not your own. What about your wants and what you feel is right. Your rights go right out the window. YET when you need help its a fight to get help. Its never a balance of help. you feel so lost and confused in the mess you become as insane as the insane.

I had to call all around this morning to fight to get my mother transferred to the RIGHT place. I am praying that it all falls into place tomorrow and the transfer is done right.  I will have to be on top of it all or who knows. Tomorrow we will see. All i can do is hope and pray.
I am tired.

Mental health system needs more money more support. its sad to see so many lives destroyed.